Hello there, I am Josie
I'm not too bright or pretty but I am pretty darn witty.
i hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off
no but this is my favorite story hold up okay lemme set the stage
i was 5 and a half and my family just moved into our first house since before i was born. previously we’d lived in a 2 bed one bath apartment and the bathroom was a traditional apartment bathroom with sink, bath, and toilet. but we moved into a 2 bed 2 bath house in which the bathroom me and my bro shared was actually a sink room and a bath/toilet room, separated by a sliding door.
one afternoon i was in the sinkroom washing my hands for my after school snack and heard something going on in the bathroom next to me.
i open up the door without knocking, see my bro’s dick, and he shuts the door and tells me to get out.
i step into the hallway, ponder for a moment, step out into the living room, and step out of my goddamn pants and under wear, and fling them across the house.
i shout for my mom and she’s all “jESUS CHRIST Vicky put ur pants on” and i say—with the most hurt expression apparently— “why is tony’s lap different from my lap?”
and she’s horrified. she’s fucking petrified.
"DOM!" she yells out for my father
"jESUS vicky put on your clothes" he says
"VICKY PEEKED AT ME IN THE BATHROOM" tony shouts from the hallway.
my mom is pale as a sheet
my dad looks like he’s gonna cry
and i am so. damn. pissed.
"why is mine different??" i shout
"why dONT I HAVE A PEEPEE LIKE HIS"
"vicky you don—"
and according to tony i unleashed a primal screeching sound unheard of in all his years which is why he is partially deaf in his left ear:
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSS"
as i allegedly flopped to the ground and threw the biggest tantrum i ever threw and screamed bloody murder until i fell the fuck asleep from crying so hard
and that my friends is when i first learned about differing genitals and when i first used the word fuck correctly.
tl;dr i was jealous and bitter and threw a tantrum.
so in sum:
- beyonce drops an album with no fucking warning and no promotions
- laughing in the face of lady gaga’s art pop expenses
- on the night lorde drops a “secret single”
- on taylor swift’s birthday
- when lupe fiasco had planned to drop his album
- thereby fucking up everyone’s end of the year lists especially rolling stones magazine
- on friday the 13th because fuck your illuminati bullshit
y’all literally could never
do you ever just get a vibe that someone has a crush on you and then you’re not sure if they actually do or if you’re just really really self-absorbed